she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
