I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
