His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
