I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
