I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
