Who did Billy Mays play for?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
