Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
