She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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