My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
