im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
