this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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