No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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