some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
