All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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