i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
