my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
