just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
