she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
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