he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
