i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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