I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
