and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
