Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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