i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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