Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
