OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
