I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
