i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
