my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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