I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
