dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
