I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
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I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
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should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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