I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
