You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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