all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I just want nice things and good sex
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
