I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
