The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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