don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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