So drunk, too bad you don't want this
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
