I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
