I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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