I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize