We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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