I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
