I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
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And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
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Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
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