you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
