I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
