I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
