I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
