Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
