Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Randomize
