Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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