I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
