I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
