My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
The Olympian is in my bed
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
