turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
