Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
