Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
