I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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