This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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