I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
